It has been many months since my last post. A lot has happened…Let’s sit down with a hot cup of coffee or tea and catch up. As this is going to be a lengthy post, I am splitting it into two parts. Scroll down for Part 1.
Thank you to everyone for your good wishes and love for the birth of my baby girl. ❤
What’s up? What’s happening?
I am now a Mom of TWO kiddos! I just had my baby girl a little over two weeks ago. She is most perfect bundle of cuteness. Squishy, sweet, making the most adorable grunting and cooing noises. I do feel lucky that I can enjoy the best of both worlds – a boy (my first) and now my baby girl.
How is my first kiddo handling this? Well he is about to turn 4 years old and well aware of many things and logical about things as well (for the most part). He understands he has a sibling now, he loves her, kisses her head and helps whatever way he can – EXCEPT being around when we change her diaper! I don’t blame him.
He is aware that a lot of our time goes into holding, snuggling, carrying and feeding her etc. I have told him that anytime he feels left out or lonely to let us know – so he has been voicing this concern a lot. He has also been not wanting to go to preschool these days as I and Hubby are taking our parental leaves from work with baby at home. So why wouldn’t the preschooler ALSO want to stay at home right? We are dealing with a few more melt downs in the morning than we are use to.
Is having a preschooler and a newborn at home challenging? YES. It is over whelming on some days but we are receiving help from my Mom who is such a blessing in our lives. My Mom has this calming presence and things just feel just more in order and doable with her around.
The weirdest feeling, but I am sure you Moms get this…I miss my first child. For over three years he was my only kiddo, I hugged him, I kissed him, I played with him, got angry at him…he was my ONLY kid. Now my attention is focused mainly on the newborn and I miss my first kid. Isn’t this weird? He is right there , at home, in front of me but I can’t just hold him and snuggle him without being there for my second baby. I miss my first.
Compare pregnancies, experiences, postpartum mood?
Pregnancy and Baby #1
My first pregnancy was difficult emotionally because well, it was my FIRST. I was initially happy, excited and then nervous/anxious and then doubting what I was doing and how I was going to handle this?
I did not know what to expect, how my body was going to change. Filled with questions and emotions. I did not know how the postpartum period was going to be. Was I going to be a good mother? Would I be able to handle it? I was struggling in my career (still applying, attending interviews, hoping to Match into a residency position, unsure where my life was going). My pregnancy was NOT difficult due to any complications (bleeding/hypertension/diabetes etc.) for this I was thankful.
My husband and I were in Vancouver, BC at the time (I was pursuing my clinical traineeship). Then we moved back to Ontario when I was in my final trimester because my whole family was in Ontario and we would very much need (& appreciated) that help!
My husband and I were staying with my parents after the move. When I finally did go into labor it was a painful 12+ hours of contractions, then followed by an emergency C-section as baby’s heart rate had dropped dangerously low.
Recovery from the c-section was tremendously painful for 6 weeks. I was an emotional wreck as the last time we were in the hospital was when my grandmother had passed away in the ICU and now we were there for my baby’s birth.
Baby did not latch and I had trouble with breastfeeding. I was tense and nervous, he would scream every time I would bring him to my breast. I was not producing enough breast milk. I felt like a failure that I needed to supplement with formula to help my baby gain weight, grow and survive. I stopped trying to breast feed even though I worked with lactation consultants, it was just too much for me. So I pumped…Q3hours and for 10-11 months. I would remember spending hours on Youtube trying to find ways to increase my milk supply, obsessing over how many ounces I would pump. Could I make enough to create a freezer stash??
Looking back, I had all the help I needed – my husband, both my parents, my brother, my in laws! All I remember now is how horrible the first three months were – I was tearful, anxious and disappointed in myself. No, I did not seek help for postpartum anxiety or depression. No doctor asked me about my mood and I did not bring it up at appointments because I felt I was a Mom, I should be able to hand this. I just felt like it would get better. I look at pictures and I see my fake smiles. It is hard for me to remember my first squishy sweet new born baby, , the love and attachment, the happiness I should have felt being a first time Mom.
Pregnancy and Baby # 2
I had just graduated from residency, lost my father, I was about to start my first locum position. There was a lot on my plate already but I was certain that I wanted to have my second baby before turning 40 years old.
The pregnancy was similar to the first in regards to weight gain, nausea, smell sensitivities, slight leg swelling and fatigue – but once again no serious issues of gestation diabetes or unexpected bleeding. I was monitoring my blood pressure at home because it was trending high at the OB visits. I was not on any medications for gestational hypertension.
The pregnancy DID go by quite fast, I think this was because I was working as a locum – this definitely kept me busy and sucked the energy right out of me. Also, coming home after work and there was a toddler waiting for me as well. There was really no time to complain about the aches, pains and fatigue I felt. I was tearful though – mainly because I missed my father through out all the months. I wanted him to know that I was expecting my second, that we were having a girl. It was hard knowing that he was not going to be there when she was born. I believed that my baby was being watched over and blessed by my Dad until she was in my hands after birth.
I opted to be referred to an OB for a repeat C-section with bilateral salpingectomy (fallopian tubes removed). My husband and I knew we were only going to have two children and removing the fallopian tubes decreases the risk of ovarian cancer. My OB was a doctor whom I worked with during residency and one of the most compassionate, awesome OBs I know. I was very lucky to have been cared for by her in my pregnancy.
I worked until a week before my C-section date, literally pushed myself to do so. I was oh so tired but also glad I could do that!
I was anxious on the morning of the C-section, we had to be at the hospital by 5:30 am. My first kiddo was with Grandma. Hospital bags were packed the night before. Baby’s items were washed, house was somewhat clean and organized for our arrival back from the hospital in two days.
I had not been to the hospital since my father passed away in the ER June 2022. I was holding back tears. Life’s moments felt so strange.
Once we were on the labor and delivery floor at 5:30 am, everything ran like clockwork. I was in the OR for my C-section in two hours and baby was out soon after that. The nurses on the floor recognized me from my residency months on the floor. Even the assisting OB was someone I worked with during residency. Can I just say I and my baby were in excellent hands?! I would like to believe that my Dad played a role in making all this perfect for me and my baby. Baby girl was out, I heard her cry. Tears streamed down my face, I get to hold her in my arms now!
Part 2 will be posted up in the new few weeks!
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