Edit Jan 2021: I wrote this back in 2019 while awaiting my results. It was sitting in my drafts for over 2 years. Now I felt like publishing it. It brings back some very raw memories and feelings.
This post is about the weeks leading to rank order submission and match day. I did not want to publish this immediately until my result was out. It was difficult balancing being positive with being realistic.
Not knowing whether I would get an interview. Got the interview.
Not knowing what interview day would be like. I felt it went reasonably OK. I thought I would be more nervous than I was. Looking back, I always felt I could have answered a few questions in a better way, but can I really blame myself for what came out at that moment? No. I was able to answer all the questions to the best of my ability, calmly and thoughtfully.
The million thoughts continue to go through my mind. Did the interviewers like me? Was I a competitive candidate? Did I do enough this year to stand out? Will a program like me enough to rank me? Were my scores, clinical experience, letters of rec, LORs etc. good enough to get me ranked into a program? Why are they making us wait this long for our results to come out???! Will another year go by with good news or ….well, not so good news. Maybe I should start thinking of backup plans?
I stop doubting myself. Dammit I AM good enough. I persevere. Since last Match in March 2018, I added on an amazing traineeship working with refugees, plus another research project working with cancer patients at the hospital, retook my NAC OSCE to better my score, new LORs, wrote a fresh personal statement and edited my CaRMS application. Once I got the interview, I attended interview prep and this helped me stay calm on interview day.
I try to remain busy and calm. It is not working.
Rank order submitted. 13 days and counting. More of this–> analyze, rationalize, stay positive, stay grounded, dream about my results, get moody, ups and downs. Why can’t I predict this? I am crazy.
Continue to keep busy. 7 days and counting: I have nightmares that I did not match. It seems so real that my mood is down the whole day. I had a similar dream last year the day before my match and it turned out to be true. Will it happen again?
Just 5 days left, I am emotionally tired: I keep busy with work and research. I just find out that I have to be at clinic the morning my results come out, this means I will not be opening my match results until I can leave (early hopefully)! I won’t open it in the car because I do not want to drive home an emotional wreck.
3 days: I don’t know what to think. I am getting impatient with the waiting. Just give me the result already so that I can decide what to do next in my career!
1 day left: I am ready to face the reality of the result. Whatever comes my way I have faced worse in previous years and I will be strong. I know there is so much I can achieve in the future and I should not let my results define my self worth.
Match Day 2019. I did not Match. I cry, I mope, I am sad. My heart aches. I feel like I want to go deep underground and not resurface. I don’t think I have it in me to continue with this.
A few days later: Something starts bubbling inside of me. Is this new hope? Can I really push through for another year and try again?
Match Day 2020. I did not quit. I made it. I MATCHED.
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